“I Am Tired of Religion” (Part 1)
“I Am Tired of Religion” (Part 1): She writes ” Fr, you know I was raised to be a Christian girl, a church girl. In my house, we pray morning and evening. We say devotional prayers in the morning then we come in the evening, we say prayers again. It goes on, seven times a week, and all that, and to be honest I am tired.
So in my house any sickness or any issue at all are seen as spiritual attacks, I try to say otherwise my mother has labeled me as someone that does not believe in God.
At a time my dad had an issue that needed surgery, but instead of going to the hospital, his charismatic people came and told him it was an attack from the devil. For my dad, everything is spiritual and this is how he keeps visiting different prayer warriors and ministers. His situation keeps worsening.
At a time too, I was sick then I recovered. My mother said I need deliverance because since I became sick I have become arrogant and disobedient and that @ 26 without a serious relationship that I need to be delivered. She said she has asked me to go for deliverance with her but I have refused.
I am tired of prayer houses. I have gone to many. I have lost count.
I am tired of Christianity, the way Christianity was presented to me, actually, not Christianity itself.
I am tired of the way I see people serve God and the way my parents want me to serve God. I just want to breathe.
Whenever something happens, the pattern of thoughts from supposed men and women of God who claim to see the vision is that someone is responsible for it. I have taken responsibility for my life. And I try not to entangle myself with such pattern of thought. When I see people who do, the only question I ask is “how did we get here, how can this person even think this way, how does this person even think?”
Fr there was a time I doubted God, his existence, the need for prayers, and all this type of Christianity my upbringing and environment fed me.
I used to be scared of hell and I was inhibited in a way. I was scared of having a mind of my own.
Fr I don’t have issues with Christianity I only have issues with how religion ties people down. I saw how it was with me. I see how it is with my parents and at a point, atheism seemed reasonable but it was not practical because no matter the doubt, I cannot wrap my head around the fact that I am an accident. That the sun is held in its place by some accidental force and knows when to rise and set just by itself. Everything around me helps me believe that there is a God. But the God I believe in now is not a God that is out to shrink me when I err, it is a God of love.
Presently I feel religion is choking me. You know I can be at extremes when it comes to issues. There is a battle inside me. I want to be free to express myself, to live fully, to make mistakes, to learn, to just be.
But I keep feeling like I am held down. I have all this doubt about the things of God, about my faith. I realize that I might not truly love God for who he is but the reason I do the church thing and Good things may be partly because I am scared of going to hellfire when I die, thinking about it makes me shallow.
I want to love God. I want to love others genuinely. I want to do the above not because of some underlying threat of hell. I don’t know if I make sense?
I do things because it is right and I stay away from harming others because harming them is bad. I pray but not in the pattern I used to because I am sorting out things I have control over and things I don’t have control over. The deepest prayer in my heart is a prayer to have a love for people and love for God.
I don’t believe in asking God for things that I know I have to go out there to get. I shouldn’t leave things for him to do.”